T’was the Night Before Net Neutrality

What happens when I’m on Twitter and Alex Wilhelm of TechCrunch notes an unsuccessful attempt to turn T’was the Night Before Christmas into a poem about net neutrality? A new Christmas classic is what happens. I took up the offer and this is the result. Enjoy!

 

Tw’as the night before Net Neutrality, the eve of the vote
Upon politicians did lobbyists quite dote;
The dinner reservations were placed on desks with care,
The last thing Comcast wanted was for this vote to be fair;
The Congressional aides were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of large donations danced in their heads;
And the politicians did prepare a data cap,
Longingly desiring to all net fairness zap
When out on the Capitol lawn there arose such a clatter;
They sprang from their chairs to see what was the matter.
Through the halls of Congress they flew like birds;
Trailed by the lobbyists, the ever obedient herds
Away to Charlie Palmer Steak they went like ducks
Always eager to hear their their lobbyists’ unending clucks
Within the restaurants, the fine silverware did gleam;
To a casual observer, the death of democracy, it seemed,
When what to their wondering eyes did appear so suddenly,
But a well suited cable executive, on a donation spree
When a wad of bills appeared in his hand so fast;
They knew in a moment t’was the CEO of Comcast
More rapid than eagles his donatees came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now, Cruz! Now, Boehner! now Walden and Thune!
On, Paul! on, Pompeo! on, Latta and Blackburn!
To the chamber of the Senate! To the Chamber of the House!
Now vote away! Vote away! Ensure that net freedom you douse!
As opposition that before the limousines fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, spend to the sky;
So up to the Capitol Building the Congressmen flew
With the limousine full of money, and the CEO too-
And then, in a twinkling, Congress heard up above
The hand shaking of big lobbyists that they love
As they drew in their heads and were turning around
Down the stairs lobbyists of Comcast came with a bound;
They were dressed in the finest suits, from head to foot;
The tattered remains of their integrity covered in soot
A bundle of money the CEO had flung on his back,
And he looked like a snake oil salesman, opening his pack.
His eyes-how they lacked light! His mannerisms so funny!
His hands quite weathered, from handling all the money!
His sly little mouth was curved up in a grin,
What a rewarding trip, this buyout had been;
The anti-net neutrality talking points he held tight in his hand,
A vast fortitude of lies and half-truths they truly spanned;
He had a villainous top hat and dollar signs in his eyes
For he knew about the Internet, Congressmen were not wise
He was charming and cunning, to seduce Congressmen able
Congresspeople laughed when he arrived at the table
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave Congress to know they had nothing to dread
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled Congressional coffers; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the stairs he rose;
He sprang to his limo, to his team gave a nod,
And away they all flew, each with money in a wad
But they heard him exclaim, ere they drove out of sight—
“Happy elections to all, and to net neutrality a good night!”

 

You don’t want net neutrality to go into the night, do you? As of this writing there are 15 hours before the net neutrality vote. Get your voice heard!